


'Since You Fell In Love With Him'

by FanGirl09



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Awkward Sam Winchester, Caring Dean, Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Castiel (Supernatural) Needs Help, Castiel (Supernatural)-centric, Castiel Feels, Castiel Has Panic Attacks, Castiel Has Self-Worth Issues, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel Needs a Hug, Castiel has emotions, Castiel in the Bunker, Castiel is Loved, Castiel is Not Okay, Castiel is Overwhelmed, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Castiel/Dean Winchester-centric, Comforting Dean, Concerned Dean, Crying Castiel, Dean Needs Castiel, Dean Not Being an Asshole, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Realizes His Feelings For Castiel, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Dean is a Softie, Dean is a Sweetheart, Hurt Castiel, M/M, POV Multiple, Protective Dean, Sam Is a Good Friend, castiel needs Dean, first I love you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-08 20:22:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12261423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanGirl09/pseuds/FanGirl09
Summary: 'He needs the older hunter as much as Sam needs oxygen, especially at times like this.'*Castiel's tired. So tired of not being enough, tired of messing up. Tired of wanting to give up. Just so tired. But he suffers on his own - usually. When Sam stumbles upon the angel about to have a full blown panic attack he runs to get Dean, knowing that he's exactly who Cas needs. The older hunter rushes in to console the panicking angel, but he's met with some intrusive thoughts of his own, although definitely a lot less unpleasant.Forced to confront his feelings and all the questions surrounding them, Dean will finally have an answer. Maybe Castiel is exactly who Dean needs too.





	'Since You Fell In Love With Him'

Castiel doesn't like to be alone. Not recently anyways. He hates lying on his bed in the bunker, completely at the mercy of his own thoughts. But he does it anyways, because he doesn't want to bother anyone. He does however, keep the door slightly open - just in case anyone cares to join him, distracting him from his poisonous thoughts. Although sometimes, even company can't wrestle them away.

"I'm fine," he'd say, when the boys saw the distressed look on his face. "Tired, that's all."

"Angels don't get tired," Dean would snarkily reply.

Castiel would only chuckle. He was right, angels don't usually get tired. But he was a different kind of tired. Tired of the fighting, tired of the death. Tired of lies and disappointment. Tired of disappointing others. His friends. His family. Tired of lying to them.

Cas sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed, resting his arms on his knees and his head in his hands. He sighs, shakily. _He's so tired_. So tired of being a burden. Tired of ruining everything. Tired of hearing about the mess he is, the mess he made, up in heaven. Tired of messing up, being wrong. Tired of nobody caring. Tired of being nothing, but feeling too much. He's tired of feeling completely and utterly useless. Tired of being here at all.

Cas swipes a tear from his cheek, feeling ashamed. But there's more. He swipes the other cheek this time, but they just keep coming. Too many emotions stream down his face. Guilt. Shame. Embarrassment. Fear. He keeps swiping. Helplessness. Self-hatred. Anger. Depression. There's too many. He chokes on them.

_'You don't even die right, do you?'_

A sob tears from his throat and he slaps a hand over his mouth in vain, unaware of the figure standing in the doorway. He chokes on another sob.

"Woah, Cas. Hey..." Sam reveals himself, pushing the door the rest of the way open. He hurries over to the side of the bed. "What's wrong buddy? What's going on?"

Cas gives Sam no reason to believe that he even heard him. His shoulders heave and he's shaking a little. "Cas..?" Sam reaches out and rests his hand on his shoulder. Cas jumps back with a gasp and stares at him with wide eyes. Sam kneels in front of Cas, who's head is whipping around frantically. Sam moves his hand from Castiel's shoulder to his forearm. Cas's watery blue eyes look terrified as they meet Sam's, his breathing starting to quicken. "Cas... what's-" Cas grips Sam's hand tight with his other hand. "Oh- OH! I'm so sorry, Cas!"

Cas's breathing quickens by the second and Sam's eyes widen. Cas has had a couple of panic attacks before, but never in front of Sam. Dean was always there to help him through it. He needs the older hunter as much as Sam needs oxygen, especially at times like this. "Do you want me to get, Dean, Cas?" Cas's wild eyes glance up questioningly. "Dean, Cas. Do you want me to get Dean?"

Cas gasps for a breath, nodding his head vigorously. Sam nods back, jumping to his feet. "Okay. Okay, hang in there buddy."

Sam turns and sprints down the hall, almost skidding to a halt outside Dean's room. Without a second thought, he pushes the door open.

*

"Woah," I exclaim. "Ever heard of- what's wrong?" Sammy's got this terrified look in his eyes, one that he doesn't get very often.

"It's Cas."

"What's Cas, Sam?" I question, climbing off my bed, not breaking eye contact. My chest tightens - I've got a bad feeling about this.

"Cas, he needs you, Dean. A lot. I think he's- he's having a panic attack!" Sam blurts out.

"Shit," I curse, running down the hall. I should've known this would happen. Should've known there was something up. I can't quite place the feeling rushing through my veins. Guilt? Worry?

The huddled figure on the bed nearly breaks my heart. Cas sits on the edge of his bed, head in his hands, heaving for air, and shaking like a leaf. Suddenly I have the need to comfort Cas, to help him. To show him that he's not alone. I need to be there for him, make him feel safe. _S_ _ince when am I so protective of him?_

I bound across the room and sink onto the bed beside Castiel, pulling the sobbing angel into my arms. "Dean..." he chokes out, gasping for a breath. He wraps his arms tight around my torso and clings to me, sobbing harder into chest. My chest physically hurts seeing Cas in so much pain. I just want to make his pain go away. 

"Breathe, Cas, breathe..." I soothe.

"I-I can't," he gasps.

"Yes you can, Cas. C'mon... deep breathes..."

He shakes his head against my body, heaving faster for air. "No... no..."

Scared that Cas is going to pass out, I pry him from my body. Taking his hand, I press it to his own chest. "Can you feel that, Cas? That's you breathing. You need to slow down, okay? Slow it down for me..."

"H-how?" Cas heaves.

I place his hand on my chest this time. "Follow me, okay?"

Cas nods. I proceed to breathe slowly in and out, letting Cas feel my chest expanding and contracting in time with my breathes. After a few minutes his breathing starts to get back to normal, but the tears haven't stopped. Only slowed. He grips my hand tightly and my heart races.  _What's happening to me? What is this feeling?_

Cas's shoulders shake as he cries. "I'm sorry Dean."

"What? Castiel, what could you possibly be sorry for right now?"

"I'm so sorry, Dean." Cas sobs, shaking his head.

I cup his face in my hands, using my thumbs to wipe away his tears. "Cas, there's nothing to be sorry for." And I mean it. Everything that's happened... I forgave him a long time ago. Guilt seeps into the pit of my stomach.  _I should've done a better job at showing him that I wasn't mad anymore. That I forgave him._

"But-but there is," Cas shudders.

"What then? What can you possibly be sorry for Cas?" I ask, genuinely curious what's hurting my angel so badly.  _Since when has he been my angel?_ Finally the small voice in the back of my head speaks up, answering all of my questions. 

_Since you fell in love with him._

And suddenly it all makes sense. The protectiveness, the worry... The guilt, the pain, the longing... even the smallest touches and lingering looks. _I'm in love with Castiel._

"I'm sorry for lying to you, Dean." Cas continues, tears still streaming down his face. I brush them away with my thumbs, looking for  way to show him how much I care. How I _feel_. How _none_ of what he's saying about himself is true. "For disappointing you. For not being there when you needed me, when you needed help. I'm sorry for making a mess and always ruining everything. I'm sorry for being more of a burden than anything else. I-"

"Stop, Cas."

"But Dean I'm so-"

I press my lips to Castiel's. Cas freezes, most likely in shock. Honestly, I'm a little shocked too. After a moment, Cas starts to kiss me back gently. His lips are soft and warm against my own and I can't help but melt a little bit into the kiss. Cas presses his lips firmer against mine with need, and I reciprocate, resting a hand gently on the back of his neck to pull him closer. I long for the connection, this feeling, never before realizing how much that I've wanted this, craved this, _needed_ this. I pull back slowly and rest my forehead against Cas's. "Important," I finish. "So important. And so loved."

"What...?" Cas whispers, seemingly not sure if this is real.

"I love you, Castiel. You're so important to me, and to Sam. So don't you dare think that you're useless. Because in my eyes, you're nothing but perfect." I kiss his forehead lightly before allowing our eyes to meet again.

Cas sniffs, giving me a watery smile. "I love you, too, Dean. I hope that you know how much I love you..."

I stroke my thumb over his cheekbone. "I know, Cas. It's okay. It's okay." Cas relaxes into my touch, letting out a shaky breath and closing his eyes.

I pull Cas back into my arms and he rests his head on my shoulder before burying his face in my neck. He's trying to finish calming down, the after effects of the panic attack still lingering. "You're okay, Castiel, I've got you." I rub his back lightly, rocking the embrace slightly back and forth and humming. "I love you, Cas. You're okay."

*

After a few minutes Dean decides to shift their position. He shuffles down on the bed to lay them down, letting Castiel rest his head on Dean's chest. Cas still has many thoughts racing through his head, but somehow, in Dean's arms, the thoughts hurt a little less.

Dean holds Cas for a long time - probably hours. But they're both content that way, happy even.

Castiel is still tired. But this time he's tired in the other way. Cas wants to sleep. Dean holds Cas as he drifts off, running his fingers lightly through Cas's messy brunette mop. A few times Cas whimpers in his sleep, grabbing onto Dean's other hand in his own. Dean just strokes the back of his hand reassuringly with his thumb and shushes him back to sleep.

A few hours later Cas awakes in a bit of a panic. Dean just pulls Cas back to lay down, wrapping his arms tightly around his angel. "Shh, Cas. It's okay. You're safe here with me."

Cas breathes heavily for a few minutes before the initial panic subsides, definitely nowhere near as bad as earlier that day.

"I'm right here Castiel," Dean soothes softly. Cas starts to relax again. Dean presses a gentle kiss to the top of Castiel's head. "I love you."

Cas may or may not have heard Dean that time. It doesn't matter. Castiel is curled into Dean's side as he holds him, head on his chest; Dean's steady heartbeat calming him down, lulling him back to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Feedback is always welcome, I would love to know your thoughts. :) Also, any suggestions for other supernatural fics/one-shots or prompts are welcome too... I'm trying to come up with some more ideas but am coming up a bit short aha. So anything you'd like to see written let me know. Thanks for reading :)


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